Day 84 - Anticipatory Anxiety
Hurstpierrepoint - Kingswood 47.8 km (2787.6 km done)
Start Time - 8.45 am
Finish Time - 16.47 pm
Moving time - 6 hours 06 mins
Vertical Gain - 705 m
Average - 23 C
Min - 19 C
Max - 28 C
After yesterdays high and relaxed joyous running day, today decided to teach me a lesson in humility and never forgetting to respect the distance still to be done. I was pretty grumpy all day. This is the only way I can describe how I felt. I also took a bit of tumble when I caught my toe on a cats eye at the side of the road. There was no traffic but I did land hard, cutting my hand, and bashing my knee and shoulder in the process. I am totally okay and am no worse for wear other than a slightly sore shoulder. Then towards the end of the day I managed to stub my little toe on a fence post and bruise the end of the toe and nail. It just shows that these things happen when you start switching off. When in the hills, it is often when you are coming off the mountain that injuries occur, when you are just wondering down the apparently grassy slope and are imagining the first pint or dinner. I do wonder whether this is partly what happened to me today. I am starting to relax a bit too much. I must still respect that I have two full days of running left, during which anything can happen.
I am not sure why I was grumpy all day. I just seemed to get annoyed irrationally at the slightest things. Again, as I my way, I have tried to work out why, I don't think it was due to food this time. My only reflection is that it might be due to stress building up over the final day and the pressure I AM putting on myself to be... what... something other people want. This is not coming from anyone else at all and I am not sure what I think other people want me to be. I am pretty sure they just want me to be me, but... what if that is not what... ?good enough? I am not sure what this means exactly or what not being good enough would be.... I I guess like most of us, I don't want to let anyone down. Sometimes I wish I was truly egocentric and arrogant, because then these worries would not enter my head (just as an aside, I am not sure anyone is truly as confident as they portray). Well I don't wish I was something else really. I am very content with who I am, but there could be a people who have come to see me. Other than our wedding, I have not been in a situation when people are coming to see me and at a wedding there is a clear role for each party to play. The is no such script for the final day. Thinking about it now I wonder whether it would be helpful to use tomorrow to get a plan straight in my head. At least then some of the uncertainty and hopefully worry will be taken away.
Sorry for the slight stream of consciousness but I am only just really thinking this through. My little worries do not mean I do not want people to come, I cannot wait to see all those friends and family that I have missed this summer and see all the new friends that may come as well. Once it gets going I will love every moment of the day. It is just anticipatory nerves, which are not unusual and so are okay.